you sit there in your h e a r t a c h e
waiting on some beautiful b o y to
to s a v e you from your old w a y s.

-the killers

Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they are doing. Do things without always knowing how they’ll turn out. You’re curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because you’re waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go.

—Randall Monroe

We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.

motivation.

Wake up. Get out of bed and stop hiding under the duvet, no matter how warm it is. You will get nothing accomplished. Put some clothes on. Wear the red tights with the mustard yellow shoes. Arrange the 3 day old curls in your hair. Do something nice for yourself today. Get pretty for absolutely no reason other than to prove to yourself that you’re not worthless and sloven. Go to your favorite record store and listen to the old man’s playlist that usually consists of Howlin’ Wolf and strange 60s Middle Eastern music. Buy yourself your favorite garlic and tomato burrito, and make sure you get extra guacamole. Drive past Emily Dickinson’s house and imagine the lack of life she had. Spend the extra money on your favorite art magazine and plan a trip to Sweden in your head. Sing your favorite songs in your car. Make a pit stop to the reservoir. Collect the last leaves from autumn. Watch the sun sink into the horizon.
Don’t stare at your phone and wait for it to vibrate. Don’t mope. Don’t think about the only men in your life that have belittled you this week. Don’t sit. Don’t wait. Don’t look at the time that you’ve always set to three hours behind. Don’t delay your life even though someone has attempted to delay yours.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

— The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Today

I am the saddest ray of sunlight floating on the ocean waves and the city skies.
When you have run out of words to describe how and why your heart is aching, and you only want to keep sleeping sleeping sleeping and wake up only when a definite end is there, what do you do?

Today my heart is heavy and shadowed and not even the clarity of water can make me come out and shine bright, with hands held high. No, today I hide under the covers.

I just need to know that someone out there listens,
and understands, and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have.
Someone out there doesn't lie to you when it's convenient for them.
Someone out there wants to fall in love even if they'll have to wait forever.
I just need to know that particular someone exists